Jesuit Jokes

Found these good (and respectful!) jokes about Jesuits online, in honor of the new pope:

A Vision

A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, overcome with awe at the sight of God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his knees, adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family. The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, “So, have you thought about where to send him to school?”


Haircut

A Franciscan gets a haircut, and then asks how much he owes. The barber says he never charges clergy. The Franciscan thanks the barber and goes home. The next morning the barber finds a big basket of fresh bread from the Franciscans’ kitchens.

An Augustinian gets his hair cut by the same barber. The barber also tells him than he never charges clergy. The next day the barber receives a nice bottle of wine from the Augustinians’ wine cellar.

A Jesuit gets his haircut, and the barber again says that he never charges clergy. The next day, when the barber opens his shop, there are twelve other Jesuits already waiting for him.


The right question

A Franciscan and a Jesuit were friends. They were both smokers who found it difficult to pray for a long period of time without having a cigarette. They decided to go to their superiors and ask permission to smoke.

When they met again, the Franciscan was downcast. “I asked my superior if I could smoke while I pray and he said ‘no,’” he said.

The Jesuit smiled. “I asked I could pray while I smoke. He said ‘of course.’”


Final Wish

A Dominican, a Franciscan, and a Jesuit were in the same hospice, and all were near death. One evening, the Angel of Death appeared before them and informed them that it was their time and that each could have a final request before accompanying him from this world. The Dominican asked to gaze upon the face of his Savior. In an instant, the face of Christ appeared before him. He was satisfied and felt he could die with no regrets. The Franciscan asked to touch the wounds in the hands and feet of Jesus before he died; Christ appeared and invited him, like Thomas, to examine his wounds. The dying priest touched Christ’s hands and feet and wept with joy, peace, and contentment. Finally, the Angel of Death asked the Jesuit for his final request. Without hesitation the Jesuit replied, “I’d like a second opinion.”


A vocation

A mother went to her pastor and explained that her son seemed very interested in becoming a priest. She asked what this would require.
The priest began to explain. “If he wants to become a diocesan priest, he’ll have to study for eight years. If he wants to become a Franciscan, he’ll have to study for ten years. If he wants to become a Jesuit, he’ll have to study for fourteen years.”

The mother listened carefully, and as the priest concluded, her eyes brightened. “Sign him up for that last one, Father. He’s a little slow!”


The Blind Golfers

A Franciscan, a Dominican, and a Jesuit were out playing golf one day. They were moving along the course quite well until they got stuck behind a group of golfers who were taking quite a long time and weren’t letting anyone else play through. Feeling irritated, the three priests went to the club manager to complain. The manager told them that the slow golfers were blind. “It takes them more time,” he said.

“Please be patient.”

The Franciscan was mortified. He got down on his knees and begged God’s forgiveness for his anger. The Dominican was also chagrined. He repented of his impatience, and vowed to do more to help the poor and disabled.

However, the Jesuit wasn’t impressed. He asked the manager, “why don’t you make them play at night?”


Who’s the Greatest?

A Franciscan and a Dominican were debating whose order was the greater. After months of arguing, they decided to ask God for an answer when they died. Years later, they met in heaven and went to God’s throne to resolve their old disagreement. God seemed a bit puzzled about the question and told them he would reply in writing a few days later. After much deliberation, God sent the following letter:

My sons,

Please stop bickering about such trivial matters. Both orders are equally great and good in my eyes.
Sincerely,

God, SJ


Power Failure

A Franciscan, a Dominican, and a Jesuit were sitting in a room when the lights went out. The Franciscan said, “My brothers, let us take this opportunity to consider the debt we owe to our sister, the light.” The Dominican said, “Yes, but let us also take this opportunity to contemplate the difference between light and dark.” Meanwhile, the Jesuit went to the basement, found the fuse box, and reset the breaker.


Sharing

A Jesuit and a Franciscan sat down to dinner, after which pie was served. There were two pieces of pie, one small and the other large. The Jesuit reached over and took the larger piece for himself. The Franciscan remonstrated, “St. Francis always taught us to take the meaner piece.” The Jesuit replied, “And so you have it.”


Courtesy

The Benedictine, well aware of the soothing power of music, went to the prow of the boat and began to sing the Benedicite from the Liturgy of the Hours. Just as he got to the line, “O ye Whales, and all that move in the Waters, bless ye the Lord” a huge shark jumped out of the water, seized the Benedictine in his monstrous jaws and gulped him down.

The Dominican rushed to the spot and with a profoundly theological sermon began to convict the sharks of the error of their ways and call them to conversion. In the middle of his most convincing argument another huge shark jumped out of the water, seized the Dominican in his monstrous jaws and gulped him down.

The Franciscan knew it was love not logic that moves the spheres and so, since the boat was by now very low in the water, he too stepped into the prow of the boat and addressed the swimmers, “Brother Sharks, we are your brothers and fellow creatures who love you dearly”. At those words a third huge shark jumped out of the water, seized the Franciscan in his monstrous jaws and gulped him down.
By this time the boat had finally sunk, and the Jesuit had no choice but to begin to swim for shore. The sharks closed in quickly and began to circle the Jesuit. Round and round they went, escorting him to the beach, and they did not leave him until he finally walked ashore safe and sound. The crowd on the shore was amazed and asked why the sharks behaved in such a manner. “Oh, that,” the Jesuit replied, “professional courtesy.”