Jokes

According to the Internet: Students in a Harvard English 101 class were asked to write a concise essay containing four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery. The only A+ in the class read: "'My God,' said the Queen, 'I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it.'"


Serving as a Marine recruiter in western North Carolina, I found a young man who met all the requirements and was ready to enlist. I explained the importance of being truthful on the application, and he began filling out his paperwork. But when he got to the question "Do you own any foreign property or have any foreign financial interests?" he looked up at me with a worried expression. "Well," he confessed, "I do own a Toyota." We enlisted him the next day.


As a benefits specialist in the Marines, I traveled around delivering lectures on life insurance. After listening to a dozen of these talks, the corporal who drove me from base to base insisted he knew my entire spiel by heart.

"Prove it," I said.

So at the next base the corporal delivered the speech. As he ended his flawless performance, a Marine asked, "What do I pay for insurance after I leave the Corps?"

My driver froze. Was the jig up? Would ignorance of the facts force him to crumble? Not my corporal!

"Marine," he said sternly, as he pointed to me, "that is such a dumb question that I am going to let my driver answer it."


Toward the end of the school year, the sixth-grade teachers decide which of their students should be accelerated in certain subjects in the seventh grade. When a child is chosen, his parents are notified. When one boy was accelerated in science and math, his mother wrote to the teacher: "I think this is quite an honor for someone who just tried to make two quarts of lemonade in a one-quart pitcher!"


I was a brand-new attorney in practice alone, and I had a likewise inexperienced secretary fresh out of high school. The importance of proofreading the results of my dictation was highlighted one day when a reminder to a client's tenant to pay her rent or suffer eviction was transcribed as follows: "You are hereby notified that if payment is not received within five business days, I will have no choice but to commence execution proceedings."


I was once a legal secretary to a young law clerk who passed the bar exam on his third try. This fledgling attorney worked hard on his initial pleading, which should have read "Attorney at Law" at the top of the first page.

After I submitted the finished document for his review and signature, I was embarrassed when he pointed out a critical typing error. "Must you rub it in?" he asked.

I had typed: "Attorney at Last."


While getting dressed one morning, I decided I'd been spending too much time on my computer: I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my makeup mirror to see what time it was.


A couple of hours into a visit with my mother she noticed I hadn't lit up a cigarette once. "Are you trying to kick the habit?"

"No," I replied, "I've got a cold and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well."

"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more often."


I walked into the lobby of my apartment building recently and was greeted by this notice: "To whoever is watering these plants, please stop. They are the property of the building, and our maintenance staff will take care of them. They may have already been watered, in which case you will be over watering them. Besides, these plants are fake."


A human-resources director found herself at the Pearly Gates. "We've never had a human-resources director here before," said St. Peter. "So we're going to let you spend one day in heaven and one in hell, and you can choose where to spend eternity."

"I'll go to hell first and get it over with," said the HR director.

To her surprise she spent a wonderful day with her former fellow executives, playing golf on a beautiful course. The game was followed by a sumptuous meal at the clubhouse. When she returned to heaven, she spent her day there sitting in a cloud, playing a harp.

"Have you decided where you'd like to spend eternity?" St. Peter asked.

"Yes," she said, "heaven was great, but too boring. I choose hell."

"Okay," said St. Peter, "off you go."

This time when she arrived in hell, she found everything barren and desolate. Confused, she confronted Satan. "Where's the golf course?" she asked. "And where are my friends?"

Satan smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff!"


My granddaughter asked why I called my husband Hon.

"It's a term of endearment," I explained.

My husband mumbled, "After more than 40 years, it's a term of endurement."


Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left. When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99."

The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope."


An adorable little girl walked into my pet shop and asked, “Excuse me, do you have any rabbits here?”

“I do,” I answered, and leaning down to her eye level I asked, “Did you want a white rabbit or would you rather have a soft, fuzzy black rabbit?”

She shrugged. “I don’t think my python really cares.”


As a speech pathologist, I often ask patients to tell me a personal story in order to get them to open up. Here's one man's tale:

"My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. 'I'll tell you what,' he told her. 'In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?' Being a good sport, she accepted. And when her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: For Sale. "