Pala-isip

Two comedians tell dad jokes to each other. The first one to laugh loses. The one with the most points wins.

1. Nanay: Bobo ka talaga! 1 to 10 lang di mo kayang bilangin? Anak: Mas bobo si tatay, nay, kasi narinig ko minsan sabi, 'tama na inday, hanggang tatlo lang kaya ko.' 2. Ano ang pagkain? Mister: Ano ang pagkain natin? Misis: Nasa mesa, bahala ka na pumili! Mister: Isang pirasong tuyo? Ano pagpipilian ko? Misis: Pumili ka kung kakain ka o hindi! 3. Overseas Call IDD Call from US: Husband: Hon, musta ang tindahan? Wife: Department store na! Husband: Ang tuba-an? Wife: KTV bar na! Husband: Ang mga tri-sikad? Wife: Taxi na! Husband: Ang dalawa kong anak? Wife: Lima na! 4. Horoscope Sweethearts watchin' the sky... Guy: Ano ang horoscope mo? Girl: Anong huruskup? Guy: Yung bang kapalaran mo, katulad ko, CANCER. Girl: Ah, sa akin ALMURANAS! 5. Almusal Donya: Bilang bagong katulong, tandaan mo na ang almusal dito ay ala-sais emprunto! Maid: Walang problema, donya, kung tulog pa ako sa oras na yun, mauna na kayong mag-almusal! 6. Ni-rape......

Anak: Nay penge pera bibili lang ako ng HIGH CAKE Nanay: Ano ka ba naman anak hanggang ngayon high cake parin ang tawag mo sa hot cake? Anak: What ever penge nalang ng pera Nanay: Kumuha ka nalang sa SOLDIER BAG ko... =============== Question: Bakit ang sign na: NO ID NO ENTRY na nakikita sa mga school ay hindi tinitagalog? Answer: Kasi pag tinatagalog yan: WALA ID WALA PASOK =============== ‎3 tanga nagsisiksikan sa maliit na **kama**:* TANGA1: Pare, di tayo kasya. Bawas tayo ng isa, sa lapag na lang matulog. (Bumaba si Tanga 3.) TANGA2: Ayan, pare maluwag na, akyat kana dito! =============== Anak: Nay, nagtambling po ako sa school kanina! Tay: Naku anak, wag kang tatambling sa school, baka makita yung panty mo! Anak: Wag po kayong magalala! Tinago ko po yung panty ko sa bag! =============== Sa Tindahan Boy1: Manang pabili nga po Chuchirya Boy2: Haha,patawa ka talaga pare Boy1: Bakit naman pare Boy2: Eh kc di nman Chuchirya ang tawag jan kundi JUMP FOOD...

May mag-asawa nagpakonsulta sa doctor. Dok: May good news and bad news ako sa inyong mag-asawa. Mister and Misis: Ano po yun, dok? Dok: Ang good news, buntis ka misis. Mister: Yahoo! magiging tatay na ako. Ano po ang bad news, dok? Dok: Baog ka. ======================= In a cabinet meeting ERAP (galit na galit) : THERE HAS BEEN A LOT OF ALLEGATIONS THESE DAYS AND I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHO THE ‘ALLIGATORS’ ARE. ======================= Isang gabi habang natutulog si misis, kinalabit ito ni mister. Mister: Hon, baka pwede makahirit ng isa lang. Misis: Ay naku, di pwede. May appointment ako sa OB-Gyne bukas. Gusto ko fresh ako bukas. Tumalikod na lang si Mister. After a while, nangalabit ulit si Mister kay Misis at nagtanong, Mister: May appointment ka din ba bukas sa dentist. ======================= Knock Knock!! Who's there? "Lady Gaga" Lady Gaga who? (Imelda Papin sings): "Kung Lady Gaga ka....sa piling ng iba..." Knock Knock!! Who...

Ahente kumatok at matapos pagbuksan ng may-ari ng bahay ay biglang kinalat ang tae ng kabayo sa sahig sabay sabing: KAKAININ KO ITO KAPAG HINDI ITO MALINISAN NG AKING TINITINDANG VACUUM CLEANER SA LOOB NG ISANG MINUTO! May-ari ng Bahay: KAINININ MO YAN LECHE KA! BROWN-OUT NGAYON! ===================== Cop 1: Bakit po K-9 ang tawag sa malalaking aso, sir! SUPT: Syempre pag tinawag mo silang K-10, hindi na sila aso Cop 1: Ano na sila sir? SUPT: Maliit na pusa. ====================== PEDRO: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili na ako ng hearing aid. Grabe ang linaw ngayon nang pandinig ko! JUAN: Wow, galing! Magkanong bili mo sa hearing aid? PEDRO: Kahapon lang! ======================= NENE: Nanay, mahalaga pala ang punctuation mark. Nakakalungkot kapag nawala. NANAY: Aba , oo, anak! Mahalaga 'yun. Pero bakit nakakalungkot? NENE: Kasi, si ate, iyak nang iyak. Dalawang buwan na raw siyang walang period. ======================== EUGENE: Pare, walanghiya '...

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. ____________________________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago? WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?...

A young, good-looking representative from Laguna sponsored a bill recommending Filipino language be used in all levels of accounting firms and banking institutions. The solon claimed it will provide a better understanding of the business transactions for those who are inexperienced and non-English speaking citizens. The bill received unanimous approval from the House and was presented to the President for signature to become the law of the land. But in spite of the overwhelming pressure from the members of Congress, President Gloria Arroyo vetoed the bill. Why? She found out that when the English "business" words are translated in Tagalog, they sound very malicious and are "nakaka-hiya at nakaka-kilabot!" Here are a few sample words - English to Tagalog Asset - Ari Fixed Asset - Nakatirik na ari Liquid Asset - Basang ari Solid Asset - Matigas na ari Owned Asset - Sariling pag-aari Other Asset - Ari ng iba False Asset - Ari-ari-an Miscellaneous Asset -...

GMA: I'm planning to stop poverty and mass starvation. ERAP: Alam mo Gloria, yung poverty madaling pigilin pero ang masturbation... aba e mag isip isip ka muna, human rights violation yan.

FACELIFT Pasyente ..... Magkano ang facelift? Doktora ... Complete treatment ay P145,000. Pasyente ... Mahal!!! ano bang pinakamurang treatment para magmukha akong bata? Doktora ... Heto tsupon, P20 lang!!! ________________________________________ ORDER Customer ... Waiter! bakit ang tagal ng order ko? iIlan ang cook nyo dito? Waiter ... Ay, sir, wala pu kame cuk dito...pipse lang. Pipse!!! ________________________________________ PROBLEMA NGA Pasyente .... Doc, may problema ako...tuwing alas otso ng umaga dumudumi ako... Doktor ... So, anong problema doon? Pasyente ... Eh alas nuwebe po ako nagigising. ________________________________________ CUSTOMER A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.. Lady sitting next asked, 'are they your babies?' Man: 'No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints!' ________________________________________ ACCIDENT A lawyer driving on a highway notices a crowd in an intersection. With his urge to ...

Mrs. Tanoy is very kuripot. When her husband died, she inquired with the newspaper, asking the price for the obituary. The ad taker replied: P300 pesos for 5 words. She said: Pwede ba 2 words lang? "Tanoy dead" Ad taker: No mam. 5 words is the minimum. After thinking for a while, Mrs. Tanoy said: 'Ok, para sulit, ilagay mo : 'TANOY DEAD, TOYOTA FOR SALE ' --------------------- Boy: Nay may ulam ba? Nanay: Tignan mo na lang dyan sa ref, anak. Boy: Eh nay, wala naman tayong ref, di ba? Nanay: O, e di wala tayong ulam. Konting common sense naman dyan! --------------------- Caloy: Tay, di ba sabi nyo bibigyan nyo ko ng P100 pag pumasa ako sa Math? Tatay: Oo. Bakit, pumasa ka ba? Caloy: Gud news, tay! Di ka na gagastos ng P100. --------------------- Man at 33 quits smoking. Will Power; At 43, quits drinking. Will Power; At 53, quits gambling. Will Power; At 63, quits having sex. Power Failure. --------------------- Kano (trying to speak Tagalog): Meg-kanow isang kilow ...

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute.". "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?". "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year. " ====================== A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open. "You must have made ...

Fast nowadays! The film makers in Hong Kong are already doing a film about Tiger Woods' car crash. It's going to be tentatively titled: "Crouching Tiger, Hidden HYDRANT!" =================== A Lion would never cheat on its mate.. ..but a Tiger...WOOD! =================== ERAP, running out of funds to finance his new run for the presidency, decides to rob a bank. Upon entering the bank, he pokes a gun at a teller and demands: "Give me all your money, or you'll be Geography!" Teller: "Ummm..sir, maybe you mean History?" ERAP: "Basta,don't change the subject!" =================== At a Hotel in Las Vegas : RECEPTIONIST: Excuse me sir, but will you be staying here for the whole week? AMERICAN: I'm afraid not.. RECEPTIONIST: And how about you sir? Manny Pacquiao flexes his shoulders, then proudly replies: "I am not AFRAID!!!" =================== A Short Story: ...

According to the Internet: Students in a Harvard English 101 class were asked to write a concise essay containing four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery. The only A+ in the class read: "'My God,' said the Queen, 'I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it.'" Serving as a Marine recruiter in western North Carolina, I found a young man who met all the requirements and was ready to enlist. I explained the importance of being truthful on the application, and he began filling out his paperwork. But when he got to the question "Do you own any foreign property or have any foreign financial interests?" he looked up at me with a worried expression. "Well," he confessed, "I do own a Toyota." We enlisted him the next day. As a benefits specialist in the Marines, I traveled around delivering lectures on life insurance. After listening to a dozen of these talks, the corporal who drove me from base to base insisted he knew my entire...

Unclean Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home one evening to tell me he would be late. "Dirty magazines were discovered in the platoon quarters," he said, "and the whole squad is being disciplined." I launched into a tirade, arguing that Marines should not be penalized for something so trivial. My husband interrupted. "Honey, when I said ‘dirty magazines,’ I meant the clips from their rifles hadn’t been cleaned." Musical Dummy My musical director wasn't happy with the performance of one of our percussionists. Repeated attempts to get the drummer to improve failed. Finally, in front of the orchestra, the director said in frustration, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument, they take it away, give him two sticks and make him a drummer!" A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a ...